How To Let Go Of Resentment In A Relationship

While many of us can understand and believe that money and sex can be one of the biggest killers of relationships, there is an underlying issue that often becomes so big it destroys everything in its path, resentment.

Resentment in a relationship can be described as feeling hurt or offended by the other's actions or words, and the possibility of it being deliberate. While communication can be a simple key to aid in these feelings, when it isn’t utilized, resentment can transcend into a tower of negative feelings towards one another. What's difficult about this is that the escalation can be so sudden or so misunderstood that if both parties just showed some empathy and understanding towards each other, you could be avoiding a rollercoaster of negative emotions.

Let's take a simple argument as an example. Suzy and Bob are arguing over the fact that Bob made a harsh comment about one of Suzy’s friends. Suzy gets upset and angry at Bob and thinks he is being too mean. Bob then brings up a comment Suzy made earlier in the month about one of his friends and begins to argue that if she was able to make a mean comment, then why wasn’t he. They both begin defending their comments, diving deep into past disagreements that were never solved and now they sit in the uncomfortable noise of their own feelings. Hurting continues.

Essentially, all Suzy and Bob are doing is fighting over who deserves empathy, which experience is the most important, who should apologize and who should be wrong. This becomes such a messy issue as couples are unable to admit defeat and admit what they may have done or said was wrong. By simply not being empathetic for one another, no one receives the empathy they deserve which means everyone loses.

How do we overcome such a hurdle? Through generosity. Arguably our partner doesn’t deserve it. And neither may we. But that is why we call it generosity. In the early stages of a relationship, you get to learn the ins and outs of this new person. How they grew up, what they went through, their struggles with their parents, career or their inner critic, you learn why they have done certain things or how they react to certain things. When we learn about these traits and begin to think about these when arguments arise, we can learn to understand how our person experiences, sees and feels about life in these moments. Then, with this understanding, we can put ourselves in the other person shoes and begin to appreciate their past, present and wishes for the future. This ounce of compassion can bring the peace we so long for. And can prevent the irreconcilably broken hearts, relationships and families we all dread.

It's not always easy, and sometimes the other person may be undeserving, but generosity is a high road, a revolutionary road, even a radical act. At the end of the day, finding ways to communicate, forgive, move on with love and be generous in what you give to one another will lead to a healthy and happy relationship in the long run.

Go, live your best life.